The World Premier of Rick Purry

Things that happened at work today.

I'm temping as a receptionist at 501 Studios on the East Side (the homeless+hipster part) while I look for a "real job." This one's pretty fun, though, because lots of silly stuff happens.

On my first day I got what seemed like 748 calls from telemarketers, as well a around 17 wrong numbers. The second day was about the same. Day three, today, I decided to keep track. It's 3:50 p.m. and here is the tally so far:

Solicitations from human beings: 10

Solicitations from robots: 11

A robot calls me but doesn't try to sell me anything: 3

Wrong numbers: 8

A ghost calls me: 8

Sometimes answering phones is fun. Like these times:

Me: "501 Studios."

Other person: "Uhhhhhh. Sorry."

They hang up.

Me: "501 Studios."

[Crackling in the background.]

Other person: "Greenbay and New Orleans!"

Me, casually, like we've been chatting at happy hour: "What's up with Greenbay and New Orleans?"

They hang up.

Me: "501 Studios."

Other person: "This is Effin' A calling for--"

I hang up.

Me, calling someone back: "Hi, Tim?"

Tim, singing like Frank Sinatra: "Gooood luck, good luck to you, your stars are shining brightly..."

Me: "Okay."

The following incident happened twice in five minutes, with two different telemarketers:

Me: "501 Studios."

Telemarketer: "Hi, may I please speak with the business owner?"

Me: "I'm sorry, he's not available."

Telemarketer: "Are you his wife?"

Me, with little patience: "No, I'm the receptionist."

Telemarketer: "Oh."

Telemarketer hangs up.

Me: "501 Studios."

Tele: "Hi, this is Erin with Ultimate Manufacturing. May I speak with Craig?"

Me: "I'm sorry, there's no one by the name of Craig that works here."

Tele: "I'm with Ultimate Manufacturing and would like to talk with Craig about upgrading to Space Lights. Is this Movie Equipment 'R' Us? "

Me: "No, ma'am, I think they must have changed their number because this is 501 Studios."

Tele: "Well, do you guys use Space Lights?"

Me: "Like Outter Space?"

Tele: "No."

Me: "501 Studios."

Telemarketer with the accent of someone from a country that in-sources a lot of telemarketing jobs ;) : "Halo, may I speak with dee business owner?"

Me: "No."

[Pause.]

Telemarketer: "Oh."

[Click.]

Me: "501 Studios."

Telemarketer, also with a strong South-Asian-Continent accent: "Hi, I'd like to talk with you about your current internet provider."

Me, in my best Spanish accent: "No hablo ingles."

Tele: "Excuse me?"

Me: "¿Cómo?"

Tele: "I'm sorry, ma'am--"

[Click.]

Me: "501 Studios."

Man with a heavy Indian accent who I think may also be a telemarketer: "Hi, id dis a kmdr bdns?

Me: "I'm sorry, what?"

Man: "Is this a computer business?"

Me: "No, sir, this is a leasing office. We rent space to businesses."

Man: "So do you have computer?"

Me: "Could you please hold?"

[I answer a call from a ghost, realize it's a ghost, and click back over.]

Me: "Hi, sir? How can I help you?"
Man: "So what is it you do?"

Me: "We rent space to businesses."

Man: "Like an apartment?"

Me: "Yes, like an apartment. But for businesses."

Man: "Oh, okay. Well, so this isn't a computer business?"

Me: "No, sir."

Man: "Oh, okay. I was hoping it was a computer business because I am looking for a job with computers. I guess you don't have a computer job."

Me: "No, sir."

Man: "Okay, thanks."

I am very concerned about his job search./He better not get a real job before I do.

--

Speaking of which, though I stay pretty busy with administrative duties, I do have time to apply to one "real" job a day. Today I applied to a job with Kiva, a really cool, really large microfinance nonprofit. I submitted my application via email and their response to acknowledge its receipt was from the email address "jobs+canned.response@kiva.org."

Literally+Awesome.I'm.gonna.work.here.forever.

--

I was helping prepare a document for us to get an insurance quote. I noticed that our current policy excludes damages caused by war. Here's an excerpt from our policy:

EXCLUSION-WAR

This insurance does not apply to:

i. War

"Bodily injury" or "property damage" arising, directly or indirectly, out of:

1) War, including undeclared or civil war; or

2) Warlike action by a military force; or

3) Insurrection, rebellion, revolution, usurped power, or action taken by governmental authority in hindering or defending against any of these.

The third one's my favorite.

--

I went to fetch a tenant for his 3:00 meeting. That's not really my job, but I want to make sure things are running efficiently and people know where they're going. I told him his appointment was here, and he responded, "Yeah, I know." I turned around to walk back to my desk and maybe made some faces and started talking to myself, my feelings a little hurt that he didn't appreciate my helpfulness. Then I looked up and saw Maintenance Marc watching me talk to myself.

--

Water is temporarily unavailable in our office [including all of our bathrooms]. I put up signs to let people know and my coworkers are generally concerned about when the water will be back. One guy brought me his personal stash of hand sanitizer to share with the office. In Peru an office could go days, maybe years, without someone remarking that the water is out. Oh, I can't flush my waste or wash my hands? No big d. Probably wouldn't've done it anyways.

God bless America.

Silly signs and surveying and such

One of my favorite things in the world are silly signs. Like this one:

Or this one:

(Chifa is Peruvian chinese food. Sabory is not a word in Spanish. They were trying to go forsavory.)

Or this one:

[Translation: Only use the toilet to go #1.]

What does Minnie Mouse have to do with anything??! The thing is, in Latin America, often North American icons and photos find their way into advertisements that are completelyunrelated to the original intent. It's both illegal and hilarious. In Peru, Jessica Alba is a pretty hot advertising commodity, especially the picture of her from that treasure movie with Paul Walker (because she's pretty scantily clad in that one). In Peru, Jessica is used to entice you into everything from dental offices to bars, like this one:

All around Arequipa there were ads for an "American Business Etiquette Seminar" by some "American etiquette professional" that included as the background the promotional poster from that stupid Katherine Heigl movie. No, not the one with the baby and that guy who's married to Fergie, the other one. No, not the one with Ashton Kutcher that you don't even remember the seeing previews for. The one with the rugged Irish man from 300 and P.S. This Movie Actually Isn't That Good. Didn't see the one I'm talking about? Neither did the rest of America.

(To help jog your memory, here is the poster:)

Anyways, I just thought it was a little suspicious that the seminar was allegedly going to teach Peruvians about American business culture, but "American cultural expert" was apparently pretty unfamiliar with general American culture, marketing, advertising, and entertainment. . . Plus, maybe it's just me, but that image is kind of generally irrelevant to "business". I feel like it's telling me more about love, and drawing an odd amount of attention to Gerard Butler's crotchal region. If I were going to use an American movie poster for my business etiquette seminar, I'd have chosen this one:

I also really like when things are poorly translated, like the menu at the Arequipa restaurant that offered "fried chicken little" [poor chicken little :( ], "two hot balls an sauce", and "yogurt glass" [ouch], among others. Ellen and I snort-laughed our way through the menu, and one day I hope to show you all the pictures we took of it (on her camera) so you can snort-laugh through it, too. Anyways, poor translations (cultural and verbal) are prettttty common in Latin America, and I sho' do miss 'em now that I'm back in the USA. However, praise heavens, you don't have to look too hard to find some pretty delightfully awful nuggets here, too. Usually it has to do with deplorable grammar, like this little gem from Starbucks [see if you can spot the mistakes]:

Did you Know?

In 1727, Lt. Colonel Francisco de Melo Palheta began an affair w/ the wife of the French governer; when he was sent from Brazil to settle a dispute between the French and the Dutch upon parting she presented him with a bouquet where she concealed fertile seeds of coffee. The same seeds that would turn Brazil into one of the world's largest coffee producing country

That was a direct transcription from one of those kitschy white boards on the wall of SBux. I reviewed it several times to make sure I didn't add any mistakes of my own. I have a feeling that whoever wrote this speaks English as their second language. She also has good handwriting. Like a high schooler.

Also at Starbucks today, I heard this conversation between two older gentlemen, one of whom was from Europe.

European man: The Wall Street Journal is trash!

'merican, in a snarky tone: You should generally read something before you criticize it.

A few minutes pass and the two older gentlemen are discussing something finance-related, or the Huffington Post or something. I was only eavesdropping intermittently. Anyways, then this happened.

American older gentleman: Ignorance!

European old man: You are, yeah!

American man: I gotta go.

European: Bye, sweetie!

I really wish you'd been here to hear it in person.

So what am I doing at Starbucks? Definitely not being very productive. (Unless you count blog-writing as productive, which I wish I could.) I'm entering in data from the surveys we collected in Peru before I had to come home. Data entry is pretty tedious and boring and merits exactly zero stories, but it does remind me of some crazy times in the campo. Surveying in the campo, the rural areas, was often more or less useless. A lack of education and awareness of one's own finances make surveys about finances generally unfruitful. For example, one of the questions on the survey was "How much is your monthly household income?" Generally, I would follow the question with an explanation that went something like, "So, ma'am, how much money do you and your husband bring home monthly from working, before making expenditures?" Usually I would get one of the following responses:

"I don't work."

"Nothing."

"We don't make money."

Now, these are tricky answers because each of these women has taken out a business loan from Manuela Ramos. That's exactly what their relationship is with Manuela Ramos. So, riddle me this: What the heck are they doing with their business loans if they don't work??! It turns out, usually they just don't have a good grasp of what "work" means, because the rest of our conversations usually went something like this:

Audrey: So, if you don't work, how is it you pay for things you need, like food?

Rural Woman: I sell things that we grow on our farm.

Audrey: Oh, okay, so you do work. That is called work. Growing and selling things is work. Now, how much money do you bring home each week from selling things?

Rural Woman: Zero dollars.

Audrey: So you give away things?

Rural Woman: No, I use my money to pay for the other things we need, like milk.

Audrey: Okay, so let's try this again. How much money do you have in your hand from selling things at the end of the day, before going to buy milk?

Rural Woman: Uh, I really can't tell you.

Audrey: You have no idea how much money you have at the end of one average day to shop for the other things you need?

Rural Woman starts breastfeeding.

Alternatively, it could play out like this:

Audrey: How much money do you and your husband earn monthly, in total, before spending money on other things you need?

Rural Woman: Um, like 30 soles. [That's about $12. These people are poor, but not that poor.]

Audrey, knowing that can't be correct: Okay, so how much do you spend monthly?

Rural Woman: Um, like 600 soles. [About $240.]

Audrey: Hm, that's strange. So how do you make up the difference?

Rural Woman: By selling things.

Of course you do.

This happened a lot in the Dominican Republic last summer while surveying for my thesis. I'd get crazy responses all the time, like that they were unemployed and hadn't worked in six years, but they spent $100 monthly on goods. I still don't know where they got money, though I asked every single one. I always just got loco responses that I stopped listening to after I realized they were going to be uninformative. Since not earning money is a pervasive problem in the developing world, I really would like to have known how they make ends meet. The only thing I can think is that they all share with one another; those that have give food to the have-nots--I saw a bit of this going on, and it's the only solution I can think of. Pretty awesome, actually. Anyways, I just learned write "breaks even" for the "how much do you earn and spend" questions, and that generally has sufficed.

Okay, those are all the [somewhat] silly stories I have for today. Until next time something unexpected happens,

Audrey

PS

Two high schoolers just walked into Starbucks barefoot. Gross! This ain't a beach, ladies! Put some dang shoes on. What is going to become of America if our future rests on their shoulders?!? I'm so worried.